Atypical Multiple Sclerosis

While waiting at my recent neurologist appointment, a discussion in the waiting room occurred. Several of the people began asking others when their life changed.   Seemed a little odd to me because I don’t know the date when I was diagnosed which is what was meant by ‘life changed’.  It seems that the word ‘change’ has a negative connotation to it. Yes, being diagnosed with MS is not a positive thing. I am painfully aware of that. Wrapping your head around such a significant change can be difficult. There are so many questions and so few answers. Anything that is worthwhile  usually requires hard work to accomplish.  Putting yourself in the best possible position when you have ms does require a great deal of hard work. 

But the whole idea of change is different or I guess has changed for me since being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Living in the northeast I watch the seasons pass every year. Seems nature is in a constant state of flux or change. The tress sprout leaves in the spring unfurling their deep greens only to wave about through the summer breeze like flags. By the end of summer their life lived and like a checkered flag in an auto race they wave once last time before turning autumnal colors of red, orange, yellow as the life drains the color from their limbs. Finally falling upon the ground only to turn into fertilized earth giving the trees sustenance once the snows of winter melts.

Nature is constantly changing. I don’t see the trees, or the squirrels, or the bears, or the foxes (you get my drift here) fighting that change. Since being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis I believe that it was my expectation that things should not change that caused my unhappiness, my anger. It is like a chinese finger trap, the more you pull at it the tighter it becomes. If you relax and push inward your fingers are freed. 

Now, hold on a moment. Don’t turn away so quickly or yell so loudly. I am not saying if you just accept ms then all your worries will be gone, or just be happy you have ms. No, no, no, no that is not what I am saying. 

What I am saying though is once I stopped thinking, saying, and believing that ms should not have happened to me. Once I stopped believing that I am a victim of this disease, I became happier, became better able to handle fighting the effects of multiple sclerosis. On my to the grocery store, I bypass a house with a huge field as a back yard. Often I see a three legged dog running around the field. Occasionally, in the afternoons when I drive by this house I see a young girl (6 or 7) playing fetch with that dog. The dog seems pretty happy despite having lost a leg. The dog works harder to run and fetch than any four legged dog I have ever seen.

See, once I said, okay I have ms that is just my reality, I was able to next say okay what do I need to do so that I can be the best for my family. Now, if you have read any part of this blog you will see it took time to be diagnosed and I was pretty down about that. It is not as if I am happy to have ms or happy to hear or see anyone else with this ms. For me, when I stopped expecting my life would be different than it is right now, at this moment, I instantly became happier. I was not so angry, I was not so scared, I was not so tired. 

Of course, that change may bring harder work but at least I am able to work at it. Having ms has taught me so many lessons. Accepting that change happens at every moment, and not fighting against it has helped me greatly. I can put my energy into really battling the symptoms of ms and not battling my mind obsessing about how life should be. I have energy to enjoy the moments with my family.

I am a person who happens to have multiple sclerosis, primary progressive, atypical multiple sclerosis. I have fought my way through dark times to get back to a place where I can be happy. Change is just part of life. Hooray Change!