Atypical Multiple Sclerosis

So there I was angrier than I had ever been.  Anger ran deep inside me, to the very center of my bones, washing over me like baptismal waters. Once my anger publicly surfaced, I had to do something about it. Funny thing is I know, have known for a very long time that the only way to effectively deal with something is first to admit it.  Can’t fix a problem that doesn’t exist. 

I am not sure why anger is not on the list of symptoms of multiple sclerosis, or really any chronic disease because it is always there.  Anger accompanies diseases.  They walk hand in hand down the aisle. But that is one marriage I wanted no part of, didn’t even want to attend the wedding.  

I had to admit that I wasn’t in control. No one was in control. Life happens.  I rather despise that cliche. But it is true. Stop and look backwards.  My guess is no one’s life really turns out exactly like they expected. Again, it is the expectations that make us suffer. I mean you don’t have to a disease to feel anger, we all feel it, we all suffer from it.

How do you relieve the anger?  That is the question. How do you relieve the constant battle in your mind that says, “Hey, it’s not supposed to be this way?”  For me, I had to accept that this is the way it is; I have atypical multiple sclerosis. Ok, so what?!?Does that mean I can’t live anymore? NO! Does that mean my life is not worth living? NO! 

Simply put it means I have atypical multiple sclerosis.  I am still a mother, wife, woman, sister, daughter, friend. So I have vertigo, fatigue, spasticity, etc. You know the drill. I am still myself. I can still enjoy my life, find happiness, experience all that life has to offer. Yeah, perhaps I experience some rather unpleasant symptoms, but that is not my whole being for my whole life. 

I found that when I accepted that these symptoms were now a part of my life, I wasn’t so busy thinking this or that shouldn’t happen.  For example, spasticity.  My legs felt (before the baclofen pump) like two cement pillars. When I tried to walk I felt like I was trying to drag these cement pillars through a muddy bottomed lake.  I would think, this is not supposed to happen. So not only would it be difficult to walk, but I would be internally struggling trying to get back to some imaginary idea of proper walking.  When I said, “Hey this is the way I walk now. It just is my way of walking.  I won’t walk like this forever, it will change,” I no longer struggled internally.  That was a big relief.  Did I walk any better? NO!  Was it easier to walk? Not physically, but mentally it was much easier.  I no longer carried the burden of trying to fit my square situation into the round hole of life. 

With that burden lifted, I began to see, experience, feel the wonder of life again. So, we talk all about the difference of relapsing remitting versus chronic progressive multiple sclerosis, or cytoxan, or having a baclofen  pump implanted, but the real key to dealing with chronic disease is to realize life happens.  It is only when we stop imposing our ideas of what should be that we find happiness.