Atypical Multiple Sclerosis

I  intentionally stopped posting to this blog since August because I wanted to see if I could live my life without thinking or should I say overtly reminding myself that I have multiple sclerosis.  Yes,  I know it was just an exercise in futility.  I mean I am the disease.  I can’t change it, like I can’t change my eye color or my height.

I have accepted this fact.  Now, I want to live everyday.  I don’t mean the normal every day run of the mill same old crap.  I mean live.  Enjoy.  Appreciate the life I do have for as long as I can.  It is difficult because those around me remind me every day of my limitations.  I pass a woman jogging, I hear talk in the grocery store about a new club opening, I see a bike rider.  I am aware of what I can’t do.  I try to explore  things that I can do.

Gardening, photography, web design.  These a few of my new areas of interest I am developing.  My favorite is photography.  There is a vast amount to learn; but I am learning.  It feels good, great, to continue learning new things.  I think it keeps me fresh, young, feeling good.  I don’t have to move far to take pictures.  I love taking photos of nature.  The beauty in that is nature is all around us.

The side effect is that I am reminded of the wonders of this world.  I need to be reminded because every day is a struggle.  If you don’t have something beyond your own self then your are defeated.  I am doing okay with ms.  The pump enables me to walk, the cytoxan and follow-up meds help me with endurance.  But there are still the every day fight, struggles.

My memory isn’t what is used to be.  Fighting spasms, exhaustion, bodily functions every day since the onset of chronic progressive multiple sclerosis becomes depressing, isolating.  I needed an outlet to learn new things, I needed a respite from the pushing and fighting.  But when you have a chronic disease, a respite never comes.

So what do you do?  I don’t know.  For me, I keep on.  I surround myself with uplifting positive messages. Everyday I try to do something I love.  I try to learn something new everyday.  I try to help someone everyday.  I try. I did stop trying for a while.  That was the worst thing I could ever do.

I said “this is it.  I am done fighting, done trying.”  I let depression and unhappiness inside.  Once they are in it is very difficult to kick them out.  That is where I am today.  I am on the verge of kicking them out.  And this blog helped to keep me happy before, helped to keep me going before.  I miss contact with others who know what I am going through, miss contact with others who are looking for someone who knows what they are going through.

We are all here together.  We are all more like each other than not.  That is an important point for me to remember.  So,  I will write this blog and continue to write because it helps me deal with my ms.  Thanks to all of you for making that happen.